"I Just Want to Stay Home"

Parents, you need to get your kids out of the house

I've noticed another troubling behavior trend with teenagers in the last few months. This problem seems to be picking up steam and it's only getting worse and worse. I don't know that I completely understand what's going on but something is seriously wrong and we need to do more to properly address the issue. I've noticed that a lot more parents are looking at this issue as though it's kind of a normal thing

The problem is that teenagers aren't growing up, they aren't branching out and they're not functioning. More and more, I see and hear teenagers just staying at home and staring at their phones. I realize they've been staying home a lot in the years leading up to the present but the problem has grown completely out hand and is truly and a crisis level. Beyond that, they're just staying home and staring at their phones. Kids are doing what they can to get out of going to school, I know, nothing new but the trouble is, they aren't going anywhere else or doing anything else. They just want to stay home and if left to their own devices, that's what they do.

But it's worse than that; it goes beyond them just wanting to stay at home all of the time. They aren't functioning. It's as though their lives outside of their phone are disappearing. The only life they have is the one they live on their phone. All other areas of their lives are in a state of decay. They often eat the bare minimum, sometimes because it requires them to leave their rooms. They don't exercise or go outside, and their health isn't being taken care of. They're also lacking friendships. Some kids tell me that their closest friendships are deteriorating because their friends are also staying home and not wanting to do anything. I've even noticed that many of them aren't even doing their basic hygiene. Getting them to brush their teeth is a big struggle and many of them will go an entire week without taking a shower.

I've been noticing this more and more. The home has become their comfort zone and while I know this sounds normal, comfort zones can become extremely unhealthy. Home needs to be a haven or a sanctuary they return to when life gets challenging and they feel overwhelmed before venturing back out, facing their challenges and continuing their growth and development. But this isn't happening. When they do leave the house, they just endure it before retreating to where it feels comfortable and safe but the more they do this, the lower their capacity becomes.

Stuck in a loop

Kids have been in this tight loop and it's only gotten tighter and tighter of a loop. The less they venture out of the home, the lower their capacity to do so gets. The more they avoid life, the more overwhelming it becomes. They've gotten to the point where there's not much more to give. Even the tiniest things feel overwhelming. When they're met with even the smallest obstacles, they crumble and quit. When they're outside of their comfort zone, they stretch and grow. They also build their mental strength.

Unfortunately, this isn't happening anymore. Rather than having home be their refuge or their sanctuary when they're out there doing heavy lifting, they just want to stay home all of the time. More and more, I keep hearing this from kids. Getting them out of the house for any length of time is like pulling teeth. Families take a night out of the house to go to dinner or have fun and the kids are complaining the entire time about going home. I keep hearing this one singular thing. Over and over again. The kids don't want to leave the house. They just want to stay home. It's gotten to the point that the more they stay home, the harder it is to get them out of the house.

I saw a video online of a young father, probably in his early twenties, having a total meltdown with his wife. He had gotten a job, I believe at a pizza chain and he went home early after a three-hour shift that was supposed to last five hours. He's begging his wife to work overtime and take on a third job so he can just stay home and take care of the baby. I wasn't sure it was real at first but after watching it a few times, I'm certain that it was real. He kept saying the thing that I keep hearing from teenagers now.

"I just want to stay home."

Over and over, I keep hearing this. Kids will tell me about their friends they no longer see or spend time with because their friend just wants to stay home. I've been seeing it in teen girls but mostly I've been seeing it in teen boys. I've written a different article already about how young men aren't growing up; this is a continuation of this growing concern and we can't afford to ignore it any longer.

Psychologists have understood, for decades, that these are crucial developmental years. If kids don't reach certain milestones by certain ages, it becomes more and more difficult for them to catch up and grow to be successful or functional adults. This is a stage in life where they need friends, they need to be active, they need to venture out and explore new experiences while building their independence. What they're doing, instead, is staying at home, avoiding life and avoiding responsibility. I can't stress this enough: parents need to intervene and they might need to do something drastic.

What is happening? What is going on here?

There's a combination of things happening that I will cover briefly, only so that we can get to the solutions.

1. COVID restrictions - We are about five years removed from COVID and there have been some clear negative impacts on normal growth and development in kids. Kids who were between the ages of about 10 to 12 during that time are likely going to see the greatest negative impact. That is a crucial development stage. Those kids are now 15 to 17 years old and they're the ones who are struggling the most right now. The measures that we took five years ago were extremely unwise and quite detrimental for kids and now we're seeing that impact. We now have a bunch of kids who are refusing to leave the house.
   

2. Making life easy and comfortable - Unfortunately, schools and parents have allowed life to become too easy and too comfortable for kids. It's like the baby bird analogy, where the bird has to force itself out of its shell so that it can build the strength it needs to survive. Unfortunately, for many of these kids, we're well past that point. They didn't build the strength they needed to survive in real life. Too many parents have valued making life easy and comfortable over the requirement for kids to grow, learn and build their strength. Parents might think they're doing a good thing by making life easy for the kids but it's created a big problem.
   

3. Technology and social media - Technology and social media play a major part in most of our mental health troubles now. Most people are willfully ignorant about social media and while you, as an adult, might be able to moderate your usage and mindfully navigate the information you're exposed to, I assure you that your kids can't. They lack real-world experience, which limits their perspective and helps to offset inaccurate information. Social media is a big problem for teens. Australia has recently passed laws that will ban teens before the age of sixteen. While this is a step in the right direction, it's far from sufficient. I've written separate articles about social media and how to navigate the difficulties of removing it. You can read it here.

Now the burning question remains. How do we fix this problem?

Because this issue is enormously complicated, the right answers are going to be challenging. What I've provided here are a few guidelines for parents.

1. Keep the relationship strong - I've written a separate article on this topic as well and can be read here. The quality of your relationship is paramount. The better your relationship is, the greater your influence is going to be. The role of a parent is different from being a friend. You're not here to be a friend, necessarily; you're here to be an effective parent. If your relationship health is poor, your ability to influence them is going to be low. It's kind of like when a car is out of gear. Improving the relationship is like putting the car back into gear. You're going to increase your ability to create movement and change when you're in gear.
   

2. Communicate your intentions clearly - If you're making efforts to get your kids moving and doing things so they can become more independent, be sure to inform as to why you're doing it so they don't just think that you're torturing them for no reason. Learn to communicate clearly and connect in such a way so you can discuss life with them. The goal is to teach them rather than lecture them. If you ask them if they're concerned about their advancement through life, you'll likely learn that they are just avoiding it and don't want to think about it. Tell them that you're concerned about them and stress the fact that you wouldn't do certain things if you weren't completely positive that those things are good for them and will help them. The right kind of dialogue will build their own motivation. The trick is to help them understand the need to engage in their own life and work at it. While talking at them is nice, it's also important to ask good questions and listen to what they have to say. Are they concerned about their future? Do they see a problem with staying home all of the time? Ask them and find out.
   

3. Set clear expectations - When you're setting clear expectations, it can help to communicate the intentions behind your expectations and why you're setting rules, boundaries, expectations and guidelines. They don't want to grow up but we can't just give kids what they want. Being an adult is partially about understanding the difference between wants and needs. Adults are more likely to seek what they need by making choices that will be good for them tomorrow, even though it doesn't feel good right now. As a parent, it's your job to put emphasis on needs rather than wants and make those decisions for them when it becomes necessary. Set clear expectations and rules. As they grow older, less is more and adjust them when they can sustain themselves on their own. Start by setting the expectations and providing daily accountability. Ask them if they met their daily expectations. Our goal is to increase their level of accountability. Accountability is good for them.
   

4. Stop doing things for them that they can do for themselves - This might be the most underrated and least talked about parenting rule. There's a greater need now for parents to follow this rule than there ever has been. If they're sixteen and you're still waking them up for school, still bugging them to do their hygiene, still making all of their meals for them, etc, something may need to change. The rule is simple: Don't do anything for them that they can do themselves. Many parents continue to do a whole bunch of things for their kids, not because they can't but because they won't. There's a difference. They won't do things for themselves as long as you're doing things for them. Your job is to help them become more self-sufficient.
   

5. Support their independence and autonomy - Having independence and autonomy doesn't mean they can just do whatever they want. We want them to manage themselves, be self-sufficient and self-reliant. As they grow older, we want them to manage school and grades, hygiene, getting themselves out of bed and out the door and so on without being reminded or nagged. We also want them to have their own life going. It's healthy for them to have friends, a job and a drivers license. It's healthy for them to venture out and exlplore life. There are effective ways to do this. When done correctly and well, the relationship usually remains strong, the kids have higher confidence in themselves and see themselves as more capable. When they get some initial momentum, it's important to build on that momentum.
   

6. Be willing to be the bad guy - When you signed up to be a parent, it meant that you sometimes have to be the bad guy. It means that you have to say no, restrict things they want, push for things that are good for them and even apply some force when it's necessary. Sometimes parents are required to intervene and force them to do some things that are good for them and are going to help them. This doesn't have to be harsh or punitive, though that sometimes becomes necessary. Seek first to do what's good for them instead of what feels good and sometimes that means they're going to moan and groan and see as some kind of villain. Your job is to do what's good for them.
   

7. Restrict screen time - I've noticed that when parents decide to restrict screen time, they usually see positive changes in their kids. It can be rough at first, there's an adjustment period and it makes kids uncomfortable but you need to remember that comfort zones are bad and to celebrate their discomfort because growth is close behind discomfort. They usually sit around and hate it for a week and complain about being bored before they start finding other things to do. Technology has a way of stuffing them into a mental cocoon where they can perpetually avoid reality while being tricked into thinking they're engaged because they're scrolling social media. Some of my clients have been finding it necessary to restrict screen time or take it away completely. I also wrote another article about taking social media away from your kids; feel free to check it out as well. You might be surprised how quickly things improve when you start reducing screen time or eliminating it completely, at least for a time.
   

If you're a parent and you're noticing that your kids are getting into their mid to late teens and their functioning is on the decline, you can't afford to ignore it or hope that it will fix itself. Your kids need you to intervene and do it appropriately and in an effective way. Even though I've given some guidelines here, many families need some additional help to get things into motion. I hope that you will reach out to me if you'd like some additional help in this area. One of the services I offer is a family coaching package to address these challenging dynamics. My goal is to change the family dynamics while getting to the core of the problem.