It's Imperative to Have a Good Relationship With Your Kids

6 tips on improving your relationships

When I first started working with troubled teenagers, I had one primary message drilled into me about the quality of relationships. I was first taught that having a close bond with a kid would be the real difference maker and in the years to come, I've seen that proven over and over again.

When I work with teenagers, my first goal is always to establish trust and rapport. The better connection I have with them, the more I'm able to make a difference. A good relationship equates to higher levels of influence. The more they trust me and the better the rapport is, the more I'm going to be able to influence them. This is always going to be true for all adults. Teachers or other authority figures are going to be able to influence kids in positive ways when that kid respects and trusts them.

Parents are the greatest source of influence in their kids lives for good or for bad. When a parent has a close bond with their kids, they make all the difference. Parents will have the greatest level of impact on their kids which is why I openly preach the necessity for parents to put in the effort to keep their relationship in tip top shape.

Parents are facing a lot of challenges in this regard. Their greatest challenges and enemies are other parents and their flawed parenting approaches. Flawed is putting mildly. But parents often mindlessly fall in line and copy what everyone else is doing even though it's proving to be disastrous. There are so many bad and misguided approaches to parenting these days whether it's the so called "gentle parenting" and just some of the general approaches and attitudes when it comes to parenting. I often meet parents who are pulling their hair out because their kids won't listen to them, their ability to influence them is low but those parents have usually fallen into some of the worst or least effective approaches to parenting.

"Your kids are facing enormous challenges and they desperately need you."

Some parents have argued with me that they can still be a villain in the lives of their kids and still have them turn out well and I completely disagree. I've felt completely baffled by this attitude. Why on earth would a parent want to be a villain in their children's lives? That's something I can't wrap my mind around.

Things that harm your relationships

This article is all about building the bond with your children so you can keep that relationship as strong as you can. Your kids are facing tremendous challenges these days and they need those bonds more than ever.

Before I build out the framework for strong relationships, I want to list some of the most common problems and egregious mistakes that parents are making these days.

1. Being overly critical - Parents have become far to critical. They're always overly focused on the problems or where they see their kids are lacking. Kids never hear about what they're doing well or their accomplishments. The parents rarely hand out compliments, rarely hand out praise and rarely tell the kid how proud of them they are. More than anything kids need to know their parents are going to believe in them, no matter what and what they're getting instead is a sense of hopelessness.
   

   

   I couldn't possibly count the number of kids I've heard over the years who told me that they just don't want to try hard anymore because their parents are never satisfied, no matter what they do so they've just given up which, of course, creates another negative response from the parent. It all turns into a negative feedback loop. I've had parents tell me that "criticism helps their kids be better." Why then, I always ask, are they failing out life, are severely depressed and anxious and sitting in therapy? If it was helping them be better than, by God, why are they doing so poorly?
   

2. Stifling their independence and their autonomy - Modern parents are extremely anxious. They often end up being controlling because it might temporarily soothe their anxiety. Anxious people get really lost in it, they get some severe tunnel vision and so they aren't realizing the harm that's being done to their relationship and to their child. When parents are anxious, they can't see the harm they're causing. Undermining their independence and autonomy causes their psychological development to slow down and it undermines their confidence. Control is always going to be abusive, even in small degrees. You can't control someone without harming them. Parents need to manage their anxiety better and better recognizing how their anxiety is translating into harmful parenting practices. This destructive cycle obviously puts strain on the relationship. When kids are controlled, they're far more likely to distance themself from their parents and hide things from them. They fundamentally crave autonomy and independence. You need to actively support it instead of the stifling it.
   

3. Too much technology and screen time - With each passing year, we're learning more and more about the impacts of technology on young minds but also the impacts of family systems. Parents will often hand an iPad to their children starting at young ages because it pacifies the kids but it's causing tremendous harm. We all struggle with screen addiction, including me. We need to be mindful about how much we're checked out because we're zoning out into screen time. Many parents live in denial about how harmful screen time is on young minds. Girls tend to get sucked into social media with significant negative impacts to their psyche while boys tend to get sucked into porn, video games and even sports gambling. Parents also live in denial about the real and significant dangers of online predators. The game Roblox, for example, is stuffed to the rafters with online predators and sexual content when parents think it's just a fun, cute game for kids. When you had your kids a smartphone, you're immediately increasing the chances of a predator finding your child. Parents erroneously think their kids are "safe" because they're at home staring at their phone when nothing could be further from the truth.
   

4. Being overly punitive - It's extremely common for parents to adopt one single tool in their toolbox for dealing with issues. Punishments. Punishments only get you so far and they have diminished returns. The more you use punishments, the less you get out of them. They can also deliver a bad return. Being overly punitive can drive a bigger wedge in your relationship and it can also create rebellion as well as a bottomless pit of resentment. When kids become rebellious, it can become difficult to recover from it. Parents usually adopt a system of punishments because they don't really know what else to do. I argue that they don't know what else to do because they haven't put in sufficient effort to get better information. I've also noticed that parents punish when they're feeling overwhelmed or fed up. In such cases, parents can make the situation better by building more emotional maturity.

Punishing doesn't work

Making your bond stronger

What I've laid out next are just some of the core basics for what makes for a good relationship with kids. I have built entire programs for parenting that covers some of the best and most core skills for having a good relationship and making it stronger. I could write an entire book on it, honestly. I've had clients who insisted that I should but I'm not convinced that anyone would buy it. I'm always hearing parents say, "These things (their kids) don't come with an owners manual." What I don't hear them say is, "I read the most helpful book about parenting." People just don't read parenting books but I digress. What follows is just a part of some of my parenting programs, if you would like more help in this area, feel free to reach out to me.

1. Personal accountability/responsibility/ownership - The most underrated relationship skill is personal accountability. Our culture has lost it's ability to understand the difference between personal accountability and blame. I'm not asking parents to be blamed or absorb blame but instead take total accountability for their life, choices, emotions and choices. There's a subtle but profound difference between blame and accountability. I have what I call the empowerment triad that consists of accountability, responsibility and ownership. You are the adult, you are the parent, it's your job to set the tone of the relationship and recognize when you've made mistakes and make corrections. Parents who will own up to their mistakes, apologize and make changes will always garner increased respect and admiration from their children. Think about your parents. Did either of them take responsibility, apologize and commit to do better? I had one who did and one who didn't. I loved and respected one of them and deeply resented the other. Parents struggle with this, usually, because they are emotionally immature and usually need to improve their maturity levels. So what does this look like in real time? Evaluate how the relationship has been going and if it hasn't been going well, take ownership of your choices and commit to doing better by first recognizing where you have made some mistakes. Your kids will love and respect you if express that ownership to them and commit to doing better. There's nothing wrong with apologizing for making mistakes even though our culture has become quite reactive to it. It almost seems natural to defend our choices and double down on our misguided behavior. Developing and practicing these skills will accelerate all of your other efforts as well. Volumes could be written on this skillset alone and I would encourage everyone to take this skill on.
   

2. Mutual Respect - There's a skillset that I call 'mutual respect' though it's strongly related to accountability/responsibility/ownership but this deserves it's own mention. In order for mutual respect to be used effectively, one must have a strong grasp on the triad of power. Mutual respect simply refers to holding yourself to the same standards as your kids. If you want your kids to spend less time on screens, you need to do that first. If you want your kids to admit their mistakes, you have to do it first. If you want your kids to be more honest, you need to be honest first. Hypocrisy will drive a wedge in your relationship and kids can see it. They will lose respect for you if you expect something from them that you don't do. Another example would be for you take criticism. If you're not willing to take criticism, then you shouldn't be expecting your child to be taking it.
   

3. Unconditional love - I know this one sounds like a no brainer but people aren't as altruistic as they used to be. I see a lot of parents who claim unconditional love but are extremely temperamental when their kids aren't always acting and choosing exactly how the parent wants. When you withdraw from them or hold back because they made a choice that you don't like, you're teaching them that they are loveable only when they do exactly what you want. No child has ever made the perfect set of decisions laid out by their parents and they never will. It's their life, their journey and their mistakes and lessons. It's your job to loving even when they screw up. It's your job to support them and see the good in them no matter what.
   

4. Listening/understanding - Most people are lousy listeners so don't take it personally. If your relationship with your kids is struggling, you probably need to become a better listener. Parents can do a lot by getting out of their heads, let go of their need to lecture and fix for short periods of time and get busy listening and understanding. The chasm between you and your kids will expand if you're always talking over them or telling them how to think and how to feel. Parents will often talk as though they don't understand why their kids are acting certain ways. My advice is to get busy understanding which means being able to set your ego aside and opening your mind to listening, asking questions and creating empathy. Good listening is a skill and often needs to be practiced but the most important step is recognizing when listening is needed instead of falling back into more lecturing.
   

5. Focus on the positives - Instead of being critical, focus on the positives. Keep in mind that whatever you focus on, you will reinforce. Kids want and need attention and they will take negative attention more than they will tolerate their parents ignoring them entirely. Kids will create problems and chaos just to get attention, kind of like my cat scratching furniture when I've lost myself in too much work. Their minds just want you to pay attention to them. If doing negative things is the only thing that will get them attention, they're just going to do negative things again and again. One of the most simple things parents can do is to put their attention and focus into the positive things while putting as little attention into the negative things as possible. Many parents struggle with this because they feel like they have to say something or offer a lecture about the negatives but I want to challenge this line of thinking. Ask yourself, honestly, what good has it done so far? My challenge to you is to do something radically different and just try it for at least one week, preferably two. If the situation gets worse, you can always go back to what you were doing which probably doesn't do much good anyway.
   

6. Support and allow independence - As kids grow, their ability to be independent and autonomous is extremely important. I can't emphasize enough how important this element is. You cannot stifle them, especially as they grow older. This one can be extremely difficult for parents because of their own anxieties. Anxious parents crumble at the first sign of trouble and they lack resiliency. In cases like this, the primary job of the parent is to better mange their anxiety. There are many ways to do this. If you see a therapist for anxiety, they should be giving you skills to better manage it. If they aren't doing so, you may need a new therapist. Not all of them believe that anxiety can be managed and not all of them are able to help you with it. Allow your kid to make mistakes, let things be imperfect, let them fall down, let them get a bad grade. The more you strive for some kind of perfectionism, the more you're going to undermine their self-esteem. If you don't leave room for mistakes, your kids aren't going to learn from them.

These are the most important areas where you can improve your parenting and better improve your relationship with them though there are many others. Most parents benefit from individual help as every family and relationship is unique and parents benefit greatly from getting some individual help. I offer therapy and coaching. I hope you'll reach out if you would like some additional help in this area.

Some of the parenting programs I have developed include resiliency style parenting and my own parenting four by four which includes four roles and four skill sets. All of which are built on relationships.

Thank you for reading, I hope this article was helpful.