We're Losing a Generation of Young Men

Boys aren't growing up or launching into adulthood

There's a major problem emerging that few are talking about. Boys and young men aren't growing up. They aren't maturing and they aren't launching into adulthood. Many parents are reporting that their son is well over eighteen, finished high school or is past the age for being in high school and isn't growing up. Instead of getting a job, going to school or moving his life forward in any way, he spends most of his days playing video games.

How did we get here?

Unfortunately, this is a problem that goes beyond a lack of motivation or laziness. It's usually an issue with their psychology and their wiring. I've noticed that if they don't properly meet certain developmental milestones, they're likely to stay behind after they've fallen behind. They're usually deeply depressed, anxious and feel powerless. They're also experiencing a catastrophic failure of identity. They're likely to live the rest of their lives stuck at about fourteen or fifteen years old, perpetually stuck in a stage of adolescence. Many people have called this "Peter Pan" syndrome, as it describes a grown boy who doesn't want to grow up.

Men need to feel strong, powerful and in charge of their lives. It's also important for them to find a sense of identity and a sense of purpose. We're already losing them to suicide at an alarming rate, but now we're seeing too many of them failing to live altogether. They're stuck in their little comfort zone, usually their home and the warm glow of their screens. They fail to see that in spite of it's challenges and problems, life still has so many amazing things to offer them. I've noticed that it's not just the boys who are avoiding this issue but the parents are often avoiding it a lot as well. Some parents seem to think that the day is just going to come when he's going to snap out of it, get up and get to work being a man. Without the right help, it's not likely to happen.

Most Therapists Aren't Concerned

I've built a career, partially, from working with teen boys and young men. I've worked extensively in this area. This population is important to me, I care deeply for them. I went through so many of my own struggles when I was younger, so I understand theirs. Most therapists are completely apathetic about this and other issues impacting boys and young men. The mental health industry, as a whole, is entirely unconcerned about the state of boys and the crisis they are in and so I find myself as an outlier in this way.

In greater numbers, boys are demonstrating that they aren't interested in dating and relationships, finding a career or even adventuring out into the world as is healthy for them. More and more of them are trapped in their parents' basements. They're inner wiring is off. They're anxious, depressed and they feel powerless to find a better life. They are in full-time ignorance mode. They avoid the problem of their life entirely. They don't even think about solving the problem because they're just avoiding it. They don't even want to acknowledge the problem exists.

This problem exists for a few reasons. It's a society problem but it's also a family problem. There's not a whole lot we can do about society, the attitudes it has and it's precocious nature. There is, however, a lot we can do about the family and the family dynamics. Parents have a major impact on kids and how well they do in life. The main job of a parent is to prepare their children for the life and world ahead of them. Unfortunately, there are a lot of parenting norms that are actually quite harmful. Parents might feel like they're doing the right thing but one look at the results and the truth becomes obvious.

Addressing it early

Parents often wait far too long to address this issue or try to do something about it. They shouldn't wait for him to be an adult. I think too many of them just think he's going to kick it into gear at some point and change, but this totally isn't realistic. This problem has usually been brewing for years and could be seen miles away. As kids grow, their independence, autonomy and self-reliance are supposed to gradually increase. It's healthy for kids to be like little mini adults, getting jobs, having friends and just having a life in general.

Instead of doing all of these healthy things, boys are showing early signs of immaturity. I've worked with a number of them in the past few years and they're usually immature. By the time they're going on sixteen, they're still acting like they're twelve or younger. By sixteen years old, we would like to see them looking and acting more like a young man rather than a big child. If they are approaching sixteen years old and they're acting and behaving as though they're still twelve or thirteen, you may have a problem on your hands.

The best time to intervene is during these years. When they're fifteen or sixteen, it's a good time to do something different to help them become more autonomous and more self-sufficient but you have to make changes to how you approach parenting. You must do something drastically different. This can be quite challenging because parents get entrenched in certain ways of doing things and the family culture has already hardened, like cement. Changes are needed, though he will resist them; it can throw him off and he might dig his heels in even more especially if you're trying to make things stricter.

If they make it to 18 and beyond without some kind of course correction, the problem is only going to get worse and it's going to be a problem that is harder to solve. The longer you wait to do something different, the harder it's going to be to solve the problem. If you're a parent and you have a son that you love and care about, you need to closely monitor their maturity level. If they're immature, don't ignore the problem. Intervene early. Do something different at early ages.

Don't Just Throw Him Out

Boys need to start growing up and entering the early stages of manhood when they're thirteen or fourteen years old. Indigenous cultures had rites of passage for boys at this age, where they deliberately put them through challenges and initiations that helped them grow up, be a man and join the ranks of the adults. They were taught and mentored through it. Those people knew something that we didn't and that we've forgotten. These are lost traditions.

Modern parenting is soft and gentle; it's not good for them. Boys need to build their strength and they don't do that when life has been made easy for them. From a young age, they need to learn things like courage and discipline. If they haven't started finding their strength and discipline by certain ages, it becomes difficult for them to recover and find themselves.

Some people will say that the solution to an adult boy who hasn't launched into adulthood is to just throw him out. I can't think of a better way to fail him as a child and as an adult. In most cases, this problem was created by the parents. If parents caused the problem, it's on them to help correct it instead of throwing him out, which would only make the problem worse. If you throw out a nearly helpless adult, you'd better be prepared to have them living on your doorstep, falling into drug addiction, becoming homeless, or even committing suicide. Throwing him out is one of the worst things you can do aside from continuing to ignore the problem.

When I've encountered some of these cases, I have found that parents are either ignoring it and hoping it will just fix itself or they don't know what to do. They don't know how to approach it or approach him. They're lost and they frankly need some professional help. Few are qualified to offer the proper interventions that will effectively solve this problem.

Most parents do the worst possible things or the most ineffective things. They usually try addressing the behavior and not getting to the core of the problem. They think they can compel him or nag him into getting a job, for example, and that will solve the problem when the underlying issues aren't addressed. There are usually a whole lot of things going on in his head that prevent him from making efforts. His wiring is all screwed up and if it doesn't get properly addressed or corrected, he's not going to change.

I recently developed my own program and service for these problems.

I'm calling this service Young Men's Development Coaching.

Here's what it consists of:

First, we must address and adjust multiple dynamics simultaneously. We need to improve relationships and rapport, reduce power struggles and make shifts in accountability for both the parents and the person in question.

The aim is to get the young man to engage in his own life, be more concerned and invested in his well-being and his future. He won't do that unless certain changes are made. We have to rebuild some of the family culture and that can take time. The best-case scenario is for him to get off his butt and get moving because he feels motivated to do it for himself. It's like putting a car into gear. The reason why he hasn't been moving or making progress is because the proverbial car isn't in gear. This is the hardest and the most important part.

Once that's established, there are a number of ways that we can get this young man moving and making baby steps in the right direction. That's the goal: to get him up and to get him moving and making progress on his own.

Frankly, it's quite difficult for me to break this process down in a singular article. I am offering my services as a coach for these families to help them correct this problem. I have an extensive background and expertise in behavior and change. I can help you fix this problem. I can confidently say there are few who are as experienced and qualified in this area as I am.

Reach out and get in touch with me and I'll help you get this problem fixed. Thank you for reading.