How to Take Social Media Away From Your Teenagers

Parents are woefully uneducated about the harm social media is doing

Before you saw the title of this article or decided to open it, you may not have thought that you need to take social media away from your teenagers. Well, you do. I've realize that we opened pandoras box with social media and allowing into the hands of teenagers. On the surface, it seems relatively harmless and we also have the solemn promise of corporate billionaires that social media doesn't have any kind of negative impacts on young minds. That's a complete a lie. Of course they would say that and of course they would lie about it.

Rewiring Young Minds

Think about the last twenty years. Social media has been around since the early 2000's but it wasn't until smartphones started landing in most hands that social media became quickly and easily accessible. Think about that time frame and what has transpired. Where were you twenty years ago? What was life like? Think about how young people are doing now compared to how they were doing twenty years ago. It's night and day.

Mountains of research has been done to study the impacts of social media and it's impacts on young people and it's extremely ugly. You need to educate yourself on this topic but that's the first step is getting social media away from your kids, educating yourself. I'll get into that more later.

According to the research, girls experience a far greater psychological impact from social media than boys do. There are distinct psychological differences, as a general rule, between boys and girls and anybody that says otherwise has no idea what they're talking about. Girls are so much more interested in people, as a rule, than boys are and so they tend to get sucked into it much easier which also means that it's much harder to take it away from them. As a rule, we need to be much more concerned about the impacts of social media on girls than boys.

I don't want to fear monger, it's not something I like to do but if there's one thing that parents need to be concerned about their kids being exposed to, it's social media. There are so many pitfalls waiting for young girls to fall into and it's happening. Girls are falling into them. In droves. If your daughter is accessing social media, she's more thank likely falling into these pitfalls.

Do you want to decrease the chances of your daughter developing a significant eating disorder? Keep them off social media.

Do you want to decrease the chances of your daughter falling into self-harming behaviors? Keep them off social media.

Do you want to decrease the chances your daughter falling into the transgender madness? Keep them off social media.

I'm going to be frank and direct, it's my way. If you're a parent raising girls, you need to keep them as far away from social media as possible. I realize this might seem a bit extreme but the potential for harm to your child is extreme. If you don't have any plans on removing social media from your daughters grasp, it's time to start making those plans.

Teen Girls and Social Media

This article is here to help walk you through some more effective actions. If you navigate the situation poorly, you can alienate your child from you and harm the relationship between child and parent and that's the last thing I want for you. Your relationship with your child is paramount. My goal is for you to take social media away from your daughter while keeping the relationship in tact. If done well and correctly, your relationship may ultimately improve from it.

I've come to realize that parents are still in the dark about the harmful effect that social media has on young impressionable brains. Especially the girls. The personal and social development between boys and girls is extremely different. I realize that saying so might come with some pushback and some controversy. I'm coming from years and years of experience working with teens, kids, families and parents in therapy.

"Social media is molding you and molding your mind. Are you comfortable with that?"

At young ages, girls start becoming interested in people. At young ages, girls get dialed with people, emotions, interactions and relationship dynamics. I'm always astounded at how sharp and dialed in young girls can be. Even at 8 or 9 years old they are already mastering dynamics and finding ways to leverage and influence people and relationships. It's truly astounding at what girls observe with people and human dynamics. By 10 or 11 years old, some of them have mastered these dynamics and can even learn to be quite manipulative if they choose to be or when they've become maladaptive.

At these ages, boys are fare more dialed into playing, moving, rough and tumble and activity and of course, video games. Girls learn about the world through interactions, emotions and speech while boys use physical movement and physical interaction. Social media would undoubtedly have a similar negative impact on boys but for the most part, they're just not that interested in it. They just don't get sucked into it the way girls do. They're far more interested in video games. I know there are exceptions to these rules but they are true far more often than not.

Girls appear to be drawn to social media because of these human dynamics and they easily get sucked in and while it's become easy for us to dismiss their social media activity as harmless, all the research says it's anything and everything but harmless. In fact, the research about girls and social media is ugly. The more you read it and pull it apart, the worse it gets.

Social media use in girls has a high correlation with a multitude of negative mental health impacts including negative interpersonal relationships, low-self esteem and poor body image for starters and honestly, that's the best of it. From there, it gets worse and worse, darker and darker.

Social media has a massive impact on identity formation. Early psychologists understood and taught about healthy identity formation especially in the adolescent years. It's extremely important for them to have a sense of self and individuality and make strides to form this as they grow their teen years. While we may not have a strong understanding why at this point, we can say, for sure that social media is extremely disruptive to the formation of identity or self. And while I have some theories about it, I think it's more important to focus on the negative impacts and how we can fix the problem.

The Road Map

I have no desire to provide a comprehensive picture as to why social media is bad for girls, that's not my goal here. My goal is to give a roadmap on how to take their access to social media away in an effective way. In doing so, you will need to remember that there is an addictive component to it. Taking their social media away will be like taking any other addiction away. You'll be met with a lot of resistance including anger and frustration. Don't be surprised if you feel like you're trying to pry a bottle of booze away from an alcoholic. Expect it to be difficult because it likely will be. The process is likely to be messy and that's okay, give yourself permission for it to be messy. As a parent, you have to be willing to be the bad guy.

Let's unpack this process. Again, these steps may need to go in a different order, depending on your individual situation.

1. Educate yourself - Most parents are woefully uneducated about social media and the impacts of kids. It's common to hear that there are issues with self-esteem, self-image, identity formation, depression, anxiety, body image issues and social relationships but this rabbit hole goes much deeper. Social media usage has been correlated to higher rates of self-harming behaviors and increased suicidal behaviors. Because working with teens has been my bread and butter for so long, I can weigh in on some of my own observations and concerns. One of my growing concerns is that social media is causing a major detachment from reality. For many young people, the distorted views online are more influential to them than what they see and encounter. They're putting more weight into a virtual reality than reality itself which is concerning on so many levels. I believe they just aren't in touch with reality. You owe it to yourself and your kids to fully education yourself in this area. Believe me when I say this rabbit hole runs deep, you truly have no idea. When you begin to comprehend the whole picture and gain a different and less innocent view of social media and it's harmful impacts on kids, your perspective will change and your worries about your kids being upset with you will quickly vanish and it will become much easier to do what is necessary. One book that I recommend is called The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. His book outlines how technology is rewiring kids brains. It's truly a must read for all parents. If that book doesn't scare the pants off you, I don't know what will. Feel free to educate yourself by any means you desire but if you love your kids, you can't afford to turn a blind eye to this problem. The potential risk for permanent psychological harm to your child is far to high. Once you're properly educated, the rest gets so much easier.
   

2. Create a united front - You need the other parent on board and supporting this process. I completely realize and understand this isn't always possible. If you're married or you have a good working relationship with your ex, this is going to be a lot easier. If you and your spouse or ex are not on the same page, this is going to a lot more difficult. As best as you can, create a united front. The entire process will be easier and more effective in the long run when both parents are on the same page but won't work, at all, if one parent is undermining the other.
   

3. Reduce your own screen time and/or social media usage - This is where a lot of parents are going to struggle. You need to be honest with yourself about how much you're staring at screens. As a caring parent, you need to be mindful of how your own actions and choices trickle down to your kids. Your task is going to become much easier if you're also going to be getting rid of social media or at least reducing it. If you try to make them get rid of it when you're using it just as much, it's going to be an uphill climb because they will see you as a hypocrite. Remember that we want to keep the relationship in tact and as strong as we can. If you take it away from them while staring at it constantly, it's going to be tough. If they lose their screen time while you're staring away, hour after hour, you're going to lose them. As you're talking to your kids about it, verbalize your own recognition of how much you use it and how you're going to be getting rid of it as well. Make it a group effort. It can also be effective to present it as though you recognize that it's bad for you and you think it's effecting them as well.
   

4. Have effective conversations - There's incredible power in being able to have effective conversations with your kids. What you don't want to do is trigger a defensive response or put them on the defense. Books have been written about effective communication. My approach is to ask good questions and listen first. I ask them if they notice how much drama there is on social media or how they feel when they're comparing themselves to other people online. I want to know how they feel and use any insights they might have on it. I want to know if they notice any of their own negative impacts. By asking good questions, you can get a sense of how they feel and help build their own motivation to do something different and seek something different. Sometimes, they're minds will change and shift as well. In the end, our hope would be to increase their willingness to give it up. This is a much more ideal outcome. Tip: Don't lecture them. Adults have a tendency to talk to long. Keep in mind that less is more. Try to keep the time that you talk in proportion to how much talking they do. The more they talk and you listen, the more likely you'll be able to talk longer while keeping them engaged.
   

5. Take accountability - As part of your communication piece, you must take some large doses of personal accountability. You're the one who gave them a smartphone and you're the one who allowed them to have social media in the first place. This isn't intended to place blame or make anyone feel like a bad parent. There's a subtle yet big difference between taking accountability and blame. I'm not encouraging people to verbally abuse themselves. The fact is, kids have much more respect for parents who take accountability. If you ask me, accountability is probably the most effective relationship skill and is, by far, the most underrated one. Be sure to understand the difference between accountability and blame. your kids are more likely to listen to you if you admit that you did the best you could at the time but now you know better and that you believe social media is harming them and it's the job of a loving parent to do the right thing by their children if their children don't like it. It's okay to apologize for not knowing better and not doing better before. Take total ownership for your choices. It will not only empower you but it will mean a lot more to them. Don't forget to be kind to yourself in the process.
   

6. State your intentions - Keep in mind that timing is crucial. If you tell them that you're taking their social media away after you've been arguing about homework, or whatever, you're going to have a big issue. It's better to let them know you're taking their social media away when things are a bit more calm and casual. Tell them your reasons so have those mapped out and ready to go. Hopefully, they've already seen this coming. If you've done your due diligence to build a foundation, they're already going to see it coming. Directly state your intentions to take it away and give your reasons. Be honest, direct and yet compassionate. Understand how they see it, respect their position but let them know that you are pulling rank in this situation and the decision has been made. Be direct, decisive and directive. Tip: Don't argue with them. Kids are masters at pulling you into circular arguments with them and they do it for one reason. It wears you down. And it's quite effective. Tell them that you're not going to argue and the matter isn't up for debate. Instead of arguing, repeat this to them over and over again.
   

7. Remove social media from their phones - There are many parental controls that can be put into place. Research them before hand and have them ready to go. Download whatever apps you need to. Make it effective immediately. They'll want to message their friends first which I don't think is fine if they don't have their friends phone numbers. Strangely, this is true in some cases. Be quick and swift about it. If it seems like you're uncertain or waffling around about it, they're going try and exploit this perceived weakness. The whole process is likely to be less messy when you just take care of it in an efficient way.
   

8. Change the topic - After it's done, be done with it. Don't discuss it and don't argue about it. Be done with it. If they bring it up and pressure you, actively ignore it or quickly change the topic. Use assertiveness statements like, "I'm not going to change my mind, it's not up for debate." Become a broken record and repeat that sentence over and over again. Stay out arguments. Do what you can to not allow them to dwell on it. Engage them in other discussions and more importantly, activities. After the deed is done, consider taking the family out for dinner and/or an activity. By doing so, you can take the attention from it and the conflict out of it.

Good luck, my friends. I hope this helps. If you want some additional help with this, feel free to reach out. Thank you for reading.