How to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem

And things that undermine it

Self-esteem is one of those things that we talk about but not everyone has a solid grasp on but after years of placing some personal and professional focus on it, I have come to learn the value of it. There doesn't seem to be a lot of therapists these days talking about self-esteem when you would think that this would be a primary area of focus. Unfortunately, I've found that therapists have moved away from some of the most basic and fundamental values of good mental health while moving more and more toward a sickness-based model, where insurance companies have driven a diagnosis-based model. As a result, therapists no longer talk about things like meaningful connections or self-esteem.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself, your self-evaluation and your relationship with yourself. It's not about feeling special or having confidence. It's about seeing oneself as capable as well as having trust in oneself. After many years of practicing therapy and focusing on my own mental health, I've come to understand the value of having a good relationship with myself. I'm convinced that the quality of our mental health is always going to be limited as long as we have a poor relationship with ourselves. The quality of your relationship with yourself will always have a direct correlation with your mental health. The worse your relationship is with yourself, the worse your relationship is going to be.

Our current generation of youngsters is facing some unique and difficult challenges. They are navigating some unique issues and circumstances that we, as adults, didn't grow up with or deal with when we were in those crucial developmental stages. We didn't deal with the challenges of technology and social media. It may seem, as adults, that technology and social media aren't that big of a deal but it's different for kids. Social media has created a myriad of difficulties for kids. Social media has been correlated to lower self-esteem, body image issues, decreased empathy, increased cyberbullying, social problems, depression and anxiety, just to name a few.

As time marches on, more and more mental health professionals are sounding the alarm about technology, social media and teenagers. It's ugly. I've written other articles about this, including a full-length article about how to take social media away from your kids. You can read that article here. In recent years, I've become convinced that it's quite impossible for teenagers to have high self-esteem as long as they're spending a lot of time on social media.

Other challenges include the COVID crisis, which had a massive impact on kids, their social lives and their mental health to an extreme degree. It's a bit odd, if you ask me, that we mostly just pretend like it never happened without getting any real closure about it. The fact of the matter is, it has set kids behind in several ways and put them at a disadvantage. They're now facing many difficulties and challenges because of how it was all handled.

Perhaps the most urgent problem, though most people wouldn't realize it, is the lack of identity. The teen years, especially, are crucial times for the formation of a positive and solid identity. Identity gives people form and substance. People without identity tend to be empty and feel empty, which leads to a myriad of issues into adulthood. The lack of identity is also something I attribute to social media. I'm convinced that social media is interrupting the development of important brain functioning, including the formation of a healthy sense of self or identity. Certain activities enable and support proper brain development and I'm entirely convinced that social media is having the opposite effect; it's actually inhibiting proper growth and development. Especially for the identity.

With all of these things considered, kids are falling behind and it's more than a bit alarming. These youngsters are supposed to be our future and they're not well. What's more troubling is to see so many parents asleep at the wheel. They don't seem concerned about it when they should be. Parents should want their kids to have a better life than they had but parents are just standing by while their kids deteriorate in their mental health and wellbeing.

As a therapist who works with teens, it's always my goal to build them up. When I've been able to do so, the kids turned out to be much more resilient. What I've noticed about self-esteem is that it makes a huge difference in how easily they are influenced. When their self-esteem is low, they are far more susceptible and vulnerable to influence. It's almost as though your psyche is much more porous and permeable when your self-esteem is low. People will actively seek the approval from total strangers and people they don't even like because they're desperate for that cup to be filled. They tend to be more gullible and trusting instead of discerning and scrutinizing. People with low self-esteem also tend to be taken advantage of because they're much easier to manipulate. Manipulative and narcissistic people can easily sniff them out and use them. It's a sad reality that we live in but we don't do ourselves any favors by ignoring the truth.

When your kids have higher self-esteem, they're going to be far more likely to succeed in this tough world. Especially when we consider the fact that they are going to easily outpace their peers who have fallen behind. I've noticed that kids with even small advantages in their work ethic, assertiveness levels and resiliency levels quickly outpace their peers. They're the ones getting ahead and making it look easy. Unfortunately, the state of these current rising generations is poor.

As a parent, you are the first line of defense for building your child's self-esteem. Much of what you do, or don't do, will greatly impact their growth and their self-esteem. Unfortunately, there are a lot of parenting norms that are wildly misguided and directly harming the development of their self-esteem. Before I map out ways to increase their self-esteem, I want to outline some of the major problems and the misguided parenting norms. As a side note, I've already covered many of these in some of my other articles, so if you have read my other articles, this may seem a bit repetitive.

1. Stifling their independence and autonomy - This is one of the most egregious mistakes I consistently see parents making. Parents are stifling their kids' natural desire and tendencies to try new things, explore and learn from mistakes and it's a big problem. When a kid can explore and make attempts while failing with confidence, they mature, gain confidence and see themselves as capable. They learn and they become far more resilient. When they're restricted and stifled, the opposite is true. When you stifle them, they will see themselves as incapable and will only see limitations when they grow up.
   

2. Being overly critical - There's a right way to offer criticism and there's a wrong way to do it. Most parents, in fact, the vast majority of them, are doing it the wrong way. When offering feedback, parents do it poorly by only focusing on the negatives, the mistakes and the lack. Kids need at least an equal amount of praise and focus on positives, growth and their victories, no matter how small. An endless stream of negative criticism warps a mind and destroys a child's sense of self-worth. It can quickly teach them that they can't do anything correctly and they will usually fall into a mindset where they don't want to try because they can never succeed. The lack of effort just brings on a fresh barrage of negative criticism and so it creates a negative feedback loop. It's your job to avoid creating this negative feedback loop.
   

3. Making everything about them - We've been seeing a great influx these days of emotionally immature parents. There's not enough out there about childish thinking versus adult thinking. Some adults, as we've all observed, don't act like adults. Not even a little bit. Even though they've physically matured, they're stuck in childish ways of thinking. They haven't learned to see outside of themselves or consider how their actions and behaviors impact others. In most cases, the parents who make everything about them are usually the mothers who think about themselves before their kids and interpret everything about their kids specifically to them. While this is neither deliberate or a conscious thing, the damage is still done. It teaches the kids one thing. They aren't important. Which, obviously, can be the death blow to a child's self-esteem. I see parents repeat this vicious cycle with no end in sight, with a refusal to see the harm it's doing. They remain rigid in their insistence that this is somehow going to be a fruitful method when it's already proven to be a disaster. I've noticed that parents often cling to a series of unrealistic expectations for their kids. They probably should have been told at some point that kids aren't going to do anything correctly and they're not going to be good at anything. Parents need to adjust their expectations.
   

4. Conditional love - Parents do this thing where they expect (uh-oh, there's that word again) their kids to do everything right and make all the correct decisions and act precisely as the parent wants and expects. When their kids inevitably fail to perfectly meet their expectations, the parents get upset and emotionally withdraw. Suddenly, a once loving parent is cold and distant. The result is that the child learns that they're only lovable when they perform correctly. Thus, the parents' love is conditional. This puts a massive dent in their self-esteem and their ability to see themselves as holding worth or value. This is one of the parenting norms that is producing crops of kids with a low sense of self-worth.
   

5. Doing too much for them - Modern parents do way too many things for their children and while some of those things might seem small to an adult, it might not be for the kids. Small things also tend to add up to one giant problem. If you're always doing small, easy for things for them, it can teach them to give up easily, feel incapable and lack problem-solving skills, which, over time, can easily become their identity. That's who they will believe themselves to be. I'm reminded recently of a time when I was in public and I saw a kid struggling to open a can of potato chips. He was probably about ten years old. He was struggling to get it open and I watched, silently, as his mom took it from him and pulled the lid off. I stayed quiet, of course, but it's small things like this that they need to struggle with and learn. It might seem small to us to open a can of chips, when to them, figuring out how to open it on their own could be a win. When you do too much for them, small things will eventually lead to big things and you can find yourself in a position where they don't do anything for themselves.
   

6. Being controlling - Many parents don't just overextend their tendency to do too much. Many parents are even controlling and it's usually because their minds have gotten attached, somehow, to ideas centering around perfectionism and they become overly obsessed with the need for their child to act, behave and choose exactly how they want them to. When confronted about perfectionism, parents have responded to me by saying something like, "I just have high standards." Getting these parents to see the light can be tough; they're usually difficult to get through to. They don't want to see themselves as controlling, even though they clearly are. Control curbs a child's independence and autonomy and it stunts their normal psychological growth. People don't want to hear it, but it must be said. Control is abuse. The disconnect usually happens when parents aren't able to be honest enough with themselves about their own behaviors being about control.
   

7. Lack of positive attention - Some kids have learned that the only way to get attention is to act out, mess up or make mistakes. They are often ignored when they do anything good and when the main thing they need is attention, they're quickly going to learn to shrug off accomplishing things and get busy screwing up. Kids need attention from their parents; it's one of their core psychological needs. If they learn that the only way to get attention is by doing negative things, you've created a whole other monster, other than a kid lacking in self-esteem. Over the years, I've encountered far too many kids who seek attention in only negative ways and it can be a hard problem to correct.

One of the first things you need to do if you want to raise children with high self-esteem is to radically abandon what you see most other people doing. Modern parenting norms aren't good norms, do what's right by your child, not what's popular. You're also going to need to practice some radical and rigorous honesty, which is hard and can be painful. The short of it is, your kids' self-esteem starts with you. You're going to need to make some changes and do some of your own emotional work in the process.

You might notice that most things on this list are just the opposite of what was on the previous list.

1. Focus on having a good relationship - The better your relationship is with your children, the better their self-esteem is going to be. I've talked at length about things that harm the relationship versus the things that make it stronger. Too many parents have misguided priorities. Your priority should be your relationship. Don't let things get in the way of it unless it's necessary. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what makes a good relationship because I have written an entire article about this topic, which you can read here.
   

2. Harbor realistic expectations - This is your child's first attempt at life. They're not just going to make mistakes; they're going to make a lot of them. Expect them to suck at things, expect them to screw up, expect them to make mistakes and expect them to fail. Parents often have unrealistic expectations. You wouldn't expect a monkey to do a math problem and you wouldn't expect your dog to make you a sandwich, so stop expecting your kids to navigate life gracefully when they've never done it before. Each stage of their young lives is a new stage. Don't just allow them to make mistakes, use them as an opportunity for teaching, connection and growth. Take their mistakes in stride and celebrate their efforts. The bottom line is that you need to get radically honest with yourself about what can and what can't be expected from kids who are still learning, growing and developing.
   

3. Let them struggle - Growth and strength come through struggles. You might feel uncomfortable if you see them struggle and maybe even guilty. Modern parents often think they're doing it wrong when they see their kids struggle, when the opposite is true. Strength and growth come from struggle. If they're not allowed to struggle, they aren't going to learn or grow. But it's also your job to coach and encourage them along the way. You might feel like it's your job to make life easy and comfortable for them. Instead, you can change your perspective and remind yourself, often, about what your child needs and what's good for them. Change your perspective about the struggle first and it becomes easier from there. You might even get to the place where you're glad they're struggling because it's helping them grow and build their strength. Celebrate their victories even if it takes them thirty times. Recognize their growth and praise them for it. Speaking of praise...
   

4. Focus on the positives - Instead of constantly looking for ways to criticize, look for ways to praise. Make a radical shift in your mind to put a heavy focus on the positives. Some parents rigidly cling to the need to talk about the perceived negatives, even though it's not accomplishing anything. Remind yourself that constant criticism can do quite a bit of harm and remind yourself to see it as harmful. As much as you can and as much as possible, focus on the positives, no matter how small. Point out the things you love about them, give them that positive interaction. I have given countless parents homework and sent them home with the mandate to spend one week focusing only on positives. Try it for a week, I tell them, and if it doesn't help, they can go right back to what they were doing before, which wasn't working either. Without fail, they return after one single week and report improvements, sometimes even drastic ones. Take the time to point out their wins, their efforts and the things that you love about them. Take the time to tell them that you're proud of them, that you believe in them and how much you love them. Show them love in as many ways as you can. You can carve out individual time for them where you sit down and talk to them as well as listen. Ask them what they want to do or where they want to go? Take the time to make them feel important. I wish more parents believed me when I told them how effective this is but it's not just effective. It's simple. Frankly, it has staggered me to see the resistance I get about this. Some parents insist on being a villain in their children's stories. I've seen this tactic work miracles for kids and their relationships with their parents and some parents still fight me on it. For reasons I don't understand, they refuse to give their kids more positive attention.
   

5. Give them responsibility - I see far too many kids these days who are just kind of drifting. Outside of school and grades, the kids are just kind of drifting in life. Frankly, they aren't growing up these days. Many parents appear a little flat-footed, as though they hope their kids will suddenly kick it into gear one day, as if their child's motivation will change overnight. You can't afford to stay asleep at the wheel. Require them to do chores and contribute to the home before they're allowed to sit and stare at their phones. Yes, they're going to gripe and moan about it; that's okay, we did the same thing, just let them. They'll be fine. Set clear expectations and be sure to follow through. They need to learn to be capable but they also need to see that their efforts will produce results.
   

   

6. Build their autonomy - Personal autonomy is crucial to the development of self-esteem. Parents need to support autonomy and help their kids build their own independence and autonomy. Parents stifle normal growth and natural autonomy when they're constantly tracking movements, location and decisions. I've seen kids who are approaching the age of eighteen and they can't even go to the store without a full blown interogration. Parents do too much. They need to be able to explore freely and practice their independence when many of their mistakes aren't going to come with huge consequences. Let them make their own decisions, even if you don't like them. They need to learn what it's like to make their own decisions. Modern parenting practices completely undermine their kids' autonomy and it's no wonder that we're seeing droves of teenagers who just aren't growing up or maturing.
   

7. Restrict social media - This is one thing that I've been extremely vocal about recently. It's becoming more and more difficult to ignore the negative impacts on teenagers because it's substantial. I've talked about this problem in articles and social media posts, including various video formats, to the point that I feel like a broken record. I'm totally convinced now that social media is a major detriment to their self-esteem as well as other aspects related to mental health. Kids are adopting a skewed and warped view of the world without experiencing it and they aren't developing a healthy sense of self or identity. Parents need to take this matter into their own hands; don't expect someone else to confront this issue. I've found that proper communication can really help. Talk to your kids about how social media is a problem and set some limitations. My recommendation is to not allow kids to have any social media before the age of 16 or preferably 18, but that can be a tall order.

There are other things parents can do to support self-esteem but these are the major points and the most important ones. When I work with teens, it's always my goal to support their growth and their self-esteem. It's so important for kids to learn how to create their own positive outcomes in life. In the therapy biz, we call this self-efficacy. Modern culture and parenting norms are making it very difficult for kids to grow up and meet their milestones. Parents are always going to be the first line of defense against these problems.

If you would like some additional help in this area, I offer parent coaching as well as individual and family therapy. I hope you will reach out if you would like some additional help. Thank you for reading. I hope you found this article helpful.