How Therapy Tailor Made for Men Should Look

13 updated guidelines for helping men

I often feel like one of the few mental health professionals who cares deeply about men's issues and providing them with the help and support they need and haven't been getting from the mental health industry. Therapists are failing men in epic proportions. They are almost dead silent on the male suicide epidemic when they should be the tip of the spear on this issue.

As I've worked to be a greater advocate for men and their mental health on social media, it's staggering to see the responses from people, mostly young women, when I talk about how men need greater support. Some of these responses have included notions that men deserve to suffer, how it's their own fault or how pathetic they are because they don't have real problems and other discouraging nonsense. I don't find much value in trying to respond to them or combat their negative view points and so I mostly ignore them. But one undeniable truth has emerged.

There is a war on men. The main stream media releases hit piece after hit piece on us. We can't do anything in the name of comfort or self-preservation without it being demonized. When women demonstrate extreme selfishness, it's glamorized and celebrated and when a man does anything to support himself or make his own decisions, he's labeled as a toxic narcissist. No, the irony isn't lost on me, in case you're wondering.

Unfortunately, the mental health industry has widely adopted many of these attitudes towards men and it has become widely acceptable for female therapists to dog on men, put them down and minimize the issues they're having while blaming them for the problems in the world.

Therapists are expected to put their values aside and practice unconditional positive regard for whomever walks through their door and they're no longer doing so. It's become widely accepted to hold biases and practice biases towards men. It's unethical but it's so pervasive that it's a war that would take an army to fight. Therapists are failing men. Plain and simple.

Enough is enough. It's time to call all of this what it is. Evil. We must give men better support even in the face of significant opposition. Masculinity is in crisis and there just aren't enough people saying or doing enough about it.

Thanks for Nothing APA

In 2018, the American Psychological Association (APA) released "guidelines for psychological practice with boys and men." And while it appears to have been authored by men, the whole thing is a joke. It's vague and worthless. Much like the APA itself. This is just another demonstration of the how the mental health industry continues to fail men.

I read a statistic recently that said that about 45% of men drop out of therapy. My initial reaction to that was surprise the number isn't higher than 45%. A lot of men online have stated that they believe that therapy is a place for women. It's built by women for women. I think this feedback is invaluable and spot on. This is also true for the current public school system, it's built for girls who tend to thrive more in public school when boys are struggling.

As a man, I have found my own journey through masculinity to be an interesting and profound one. It's been an extremely important aspect of my own mental health journey. I believe that men are made. You don't become a man because you turned 18 or because you got a tattoo or because you got laid. Those are childish and boyish beliefs about what it means to be a man.

"Men need to win their inner war."

Uncovering the true nature of a mature masculine has taken a lot of time and study. It's a lost art and an art that I've been working to piece back together. As a mental health professional and a man who has worked to embrace and love his masculinity, I think we desperately need some updated ideas on how to provide better mental health treatment for men.

First, I want to debunk some of the current ideas.

1. Women can't tell you how to be a man - Modern men have to navigate an ocean of opinionated and egotistical women who think they know what masculinity means when they don't. Men often find themselves listening to women about how to be a man when they absolutely should not be. That's not to say there aren't a ton of amazing women out there who offer valuable insights and support in your journey but they can't mentor men. Look for the women who are supportive and provide advocacy for men.
   

2. How 'traditional masculinity' is depicted - According to the APA, 'traditional masculinity' is characterized by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and the suppression of emotions. I used to feel appalled that stoicism has been depicted and demonized but I've come to expect bad ideas from bad and incompetent people who don't actually care about helping men. Stoicism, if you don't know, is a philosophy that focuses on rational thought and emotional composure over emotional reactivity. Stoicism has been painted as something that drives a lack of compassion which patently false. The APA has all but painted masculinity as 'toxic.' I know many of the men out there are as tired of this term and vague ideas as I am. We need to stop listening to ideas of what masculinity is and what it isn't from people who neither care nor have any idea what they're even talking about. Many boys and men already operate under this harmful paradigm that masculinity is, by it's very nature, harmful, violent and destructive. Pop culture is always labeling everything good as feminine and everything bad as masculine. Bad men doing bad things are highlighted while good men being heroes are ignored. A very skewed picture has been painted about masculinity. Even the APA makes hints that masculinity, by it's nature is harmful and destructive. This is an ugly attitude for those who claim to be giving mental health support and treatment to men.
   

3. Masculine traits should be suppressed - This is, perhaps, the most harmful and destructive message that men come to believe about themselves. They push their thoughts and emotions down. Way down. Traditional psychology would teach that this is the worst thing an individual can do but it has become an acceptable way for professionals to practice. It's harmful and destructive. The suppression of emotions and feelings with men is an extremely important topic that I'll spend more time on later. It's unacceptable for mental health professionals to push this notion and in so doing, they are proving their bias and incompetence.

Good practices to support men

Based on my personal and professional experience, what follows are the true guidelines that should be followed for giving better mental health support for men:

1. Men need catharsis - Catharsis is a psychology term that refers to an emotional purge. As I've already mentioned, men suppress a lot of emotions and feelings but that's what life requires of us. We don't have the luxury of being an emotional mess day to day like women do. Life requires us to suck it up. I don't like it but that's how life is, as many of us have learned. I think this ability to stuff things down and hold it in is both a good and bad thing. In some ways it makes us resilient and in other ways, it's just delaying an inevitable breakdown. A therapist should help direct men into things where they can purge those pent up emotions and release that tension. A man needs to find healthy ways to let this tension out. One of the best ways is through exercise or physical means in general. Men find sports to be emotionally cathartic. I used to work my stuff out on the basketball court or a racquetball court. It was a great tension release. Lifting weights is another good option for men but they should seek physical means first. I'm reminded of a video that did it's rounds on the internet where several men were standing at the foot of a waterfall just being in the moment, yelling and letting their emotions out. The men in the video took a lot of flack with many of the women commenting saying, "anything but going to therapy" when that is their therapy! A man will often get more out of that then sitting in therapy and talking about it. Again, we can't expect women to understand this about us. We don't get the same things out of talking as they do, it doesn't release us of that emotion in the same way. Other than physical means like exercise, seek things that are creative like music or art. Build something, make something, do something with your hands. Lose yourself in it for awhile, you'll feel a lot better. Therapists need to direct men into things like this regularly and help them generate some ideas on how they can practice active catharsis.
   

2. Men need brotherhood - Men need other men and they need a brotherhood. There are things that men get from being around other men that they don't get anywhere else. In recent decades, male only spaces have largely disappeared. I don't think it's a coincidence that these spaces have disappeared in the same span of time as the rise of public shootings. These lost boys became isolated and stuck in their own heads. They succumbed to their mental illness an acted out in horrific ways. I can't help but wonder if many of these incidents would have been averted if these lost boys had been embraced by a group of his brothers who had embraced him and were looking out for him. Therapists can better support men by directing them to a local men's group. They still exist, they're around and are usually formed totally independently by men who know the importance of men having a brotherhood. A lot of men are reluctant to associate with other men, their trust for them has sometimes been undermined but it would challenge him in a positive way and get him out of his comfort zones.
   

3. Addressing dark thoughts and feelings - Because men hold so much in, they tend to have very dark thoughts and very dark feelings. They can feel a little freaked out by the intensity of those dark thoughts and feelings which, of course, he works to hide and suppress. He knows he has to be careful about who he opens up to because a lot of people won't handle it well. He can't hold this stuff in and shouldn't hold it in. When they hold it in, it picks up strength and gets bigger, darker and scarier. Most men also know they have to be extremely careful about who they open up to about it. Therapy is supposed to be about trust and safety but he if he mentions that he feel suicidal, he knows he can easily end up at the hospital which might only set him back more in life and that's not what he needs. What he needs is to be able to be open about it without the fear of a drastic and overblown intervention because he's dealing with a therapist who hasn't taken the time or made the effort to see where he's coming from. Men need therapists who can see that darkness and not freak out.
   

4. Deeper shadow work - Because men hold a lot more things in, they tend to have a lot more stuffed away in their subconscious. There are a lot of emotions that have been pushed deep into the corners of their psyche which leads to a myriad of other issues in their lives. Sometimes they bury it so deep that it shortens their memory. They'll have breakdowns that cause confusion, they don't know the source of the issue or why it's even happening. Men often need to do some deeper shadow work which starts by developing some deeper insights about themselves and the wounds that have been deeply buried. Shadow work refers to a type of psychotherapy where we dive into the deeper darker parts of the psyche and work to get to the root of the problem rather than just treating the symptoms.
   

5. Recognition of destructive cycles - I have found that men tend to get caught in loops of dysfunctional cycles which they tend to repeat over and over again. It usually includes some kind of relapse behavior where they fall back into a problem that has been repetitive in their lives and something they had previously sworn off and returned back to. Sometimes they swear it off and commit to never doing it again just to return to it. I realize everyone can have this issue, male or female but I tend to see men fall into repetitive cycles or multiple cycles and those cycles tend to be a lot more stubborn and difficult to break. I have found that men have to dig deeper to break those cycles. This is where quality shadow work can really help.
   

   

6. Men need action - Talk therapy is fine for some and terrible for others. Men are solution oriented. They want solutions. This works for them and sometimes against them because somethings are a process and they can quit because they grow impatient. Men get more out of therapy when they leave with homework, objectives and action items. If he attends therapy for two months and nothing has changed, he's only going to feel more frustrated and discouraged. He needs action and he needs change. Women often want to feel better about a problem when men want the problem gone. Too many therapists use pointless exercises like finding the right emotion on a wheel. This feels insulting and pointless to men. They don't connect to it. It's fine if people find it useful but most do not. A therapist should be offering action items and homework for men that helps guide them to their own solutions.
   

7. They need to not feel so alone - Most men suffer in silence and alone. It's extremely painful for them to feel abandoned, alone and misunderstood all at the same time. He sometimes just needs to know somebody sees him, understands him and won't bail on him. He needs to know he can lean on someone if he needs it. He doesn't want to lean on anyone and he will do his best not to do so but it helps, immensely to know there's someone there that cares enough to support him and hang in there with him, no matter what. It's hard for a man to find a therapist who is loyal enough to him and cares enough about him to be in his corner, no matter what he's going through. He can tell when a therapist doesn't fully support him, sees him as a paycheck or just puts up with him. Sadly, this is the truth for many therapists which is partially why so many men drop out of therapy.
   

8. They need to be seen as a work in progress - A man doesn't become a man when he turns 18 years old. Becoming a man is a process. He's more like a piece of raw metal that hasn't been shaped yet. Good men aren't born, they're made. There are certain things that men need to do in order to become real men and most women have no idea what that entails. Men are quickly judged and labeled even though they are still learning, growing and changes. They need to be allowed to see that process through even if it's messy and they need a therapist who is able to accept this as a work in progress rather than looking for reasons to quickly condemn them and write them off. Young men tell me they think they are a bad person, they see this as a fixed or static aspect and they are often met by unforgiving therapists who work from a deficit.
   

9. They need a therapist to look for and see the good in them - Men are painted as all bad, these days. They are labeled as toxic and as "the problem in society." Any therapist who believes this crap has absolutely NO business accepting men as clients. They need to either turn them down outright for ethical reasons because of their negative biases or refer them out to somebody else who will give them a fair shake. Therapists are supposed to practice unconditional positive regard for their clients regardless of who comes walking through the door but negative biases toward men have become pervasively accepted by therapists. It's unethical but it's what men are up against if they want to go to therapy. I completely understand and realize there are many good and ethical therapists out there and men should actively seek the good ones. My message to those men is that if they are seeking a therapist, they need to screen them and ask them questions that would reveal their disposition towards men.
   

10. They need a therapist that understands men's issues - There's a popular narrative out there that men don't experience real problems. This is, of course, total nonsense though many therapists actually buy into this world view. Men should avoid those therapists at all costs. They need therapists who are going to be in touch and understanding of the real issues they face. I've already mentioned a few of them such as having many dark thoughts and emotions, suffering in silence and feeling misunderstood but men's issues also include struggles with self-worth based on how much money they make, pressure to perform and acquire money and status and avoiding addictive vices such as alcohol or video games. They tend plunge themselves into maladaptive methods of escapism.
    

11. Men need hope - Men have lost hope and many of them have given up on themselves. Many of them walk the fine line between suicide and staying alive. They need to know there's a reason to keep going, they need to know there are better days ahead and that those days are possible but they also need to be shown a new and different path because the one's they've been given have turned him into a fatalist. He doesn't see a way out of this hole he's ended up in. Therapists can help men by believing in them because he no longer believes in himself. Unfortunately, and once again, there just aren't enough therapists out there who believe in men and so they aren't willing to convey this to them.
    

12. Men need to win their inner war - Most men fight a quiet inner war with themselves. They struggle with that dark energy or inner violence that drives their destructive behaviors and drives them to be violent toward themselves and others. Most of them have become their own worst enemies. Most of them are working against themselves. They'd stop if they knew how to do so. A good therapist should be helping them to win their inner war and make peace with themselves. They need to learn to improve their inner dialogue and practice self-compassion. Men desperately need to win their inner wars.
    

13. Men need to get out of their heads - Everyone can get sucked into an inner world of chaotic thoughts, feelings and endless overthinking but because men tend to have a deeper subconscious where a lot of things are packed away, they tend to get stuck in their heads and they need to be able to get out of their heads. They benefit from being present with things they're doing like exercise or building something. Many of them are drawn to video games because it provides a certain degree of relief from the black hole in their heads.

I want to stress a couple of things to the men out there. The solutions exist for you. The right answers are out there. Don't give up, keep looking. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry that the therapy industry has failed you so badly. These are tough times and we need you, badly. If you're reading this, I'm glad you're still here, I promise that we need you. Your struggle is an honorable one.

With masculinity in crisis, I've been feeling a greater urgency for us men to come together. This is one of the strengths of men, we are powerful when we stand together. We are built for brotherhood.

Thank you for reading, I hope you found this article to be helpful. Please reach out to me if I can help you with your journey.